Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
