I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
