If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
