How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
