All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
