Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
