Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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