i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
