Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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