Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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