It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I could fuck to npr.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize