she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
as a side note pls kill me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
