Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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