I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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