Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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