It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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