I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
