My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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