I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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