Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
