just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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