I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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