Just cropdusted the office
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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