omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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