After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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