If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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