my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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