I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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