The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
