worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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