I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You left your phone here
Wait...
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