This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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