Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
