seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
