hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
