Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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