I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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