I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize