true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
