how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
