Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
