I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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