I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Drake has all the answers
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
