just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
