I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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