Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
