barbara walters just said penis...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it hurts more in the daytime
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
