Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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