WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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