I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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