Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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