Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
