There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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