tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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