We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
