Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
