When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
