I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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