I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
