I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize